Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness (The Penguin Press, 2007), is optimistic. She explains why a positive attitude is good for you and your business.
How is it possible to be happy when things seem to be going wrong at every turn?
Human beings are very resilient. We’re really good at coping and doing things that dull the pain. It’s called positive reappraisal. What good can come of a bad situation? People often find that they can rise to the occasion and discover strengths they didn’t know they had. Sometimes people reprioritize what’s important to them, maybe spending more time with their children or volunteering. Or they might learn new skills. You can no longer afford to hire someone to make repairs around the house, so now you have to fix things yourself. You may discover you’re good at it or enjoy it.
In your book you say happier people earn more money, do better on the job, and are healthier than unhappy people. Why is that?
Clearly there’s a bidirectional relationship. Happiness leads people to be more successful in different domains of their life. When you’re in a positive mood, you’re more likely to be creative. Your immune system is stronger. Your manager or broker is more likely to think highly of you, and it’s easier to obtain clients.
So when we exude positive energy, people want to be near us and work with us?
Yes, people are more likeable when they’re positive. I’m not talking about people who are too happy. If you’re inappropriately happy, that’s a different story. But if you’re a regular happy person or you’re optimistic, people are drawn to you. Positive emotions lead people to be more sociable, and sociability is very important, on the job and in other places.
You’ve said that unhappy people dwell on negative events. Should people stop overanalyzing their unhappy childhoods, stock losses, or bad days on the job?
Yes. Dwelling, ruminating, and overthinking are passive, circular, repetitive things. It’s not problem solving. I’m not saying you should never stop to consider the negative things in your life. But when you’re just ruminating, you’re going from A to B, from B to A, from A to B. You’re not solving the problem.
Your book provides examples of how we can increase happiness through "intentional activities" such as writing our blessings in a journal or simply saying thank you. What else can we do to feel happy?
These activities boost positive emotions, and that’s your goal. Try savoring the good things in life—your coffee in the morning or the trees on your block. Have goals and take baby steps toward achieving them. Practice forgiveness. Get physical exercise. Research has shown that these things boost moods. Even just acting like a happy person—smiling, pretending that you’re happy—can have some of the same benefits. People are still going to be drawn to you, and it’s going to lead to an upward spiral. Research shows that if you smile, the changes in your face actually feed back into your brain, making you feel happier.
What else can we do to be the type of person who sees the glass as half-full?
Look at the big picture. Be optimistic about the future, knowing that things will get better. You’re not the only one who’s suffering. This economy is affecting everyone, even the ultra-rich. That dulls the pain because we are very sensitive to relative status. We’re all in the same boat, and that makes things easier to bear.
Pop culture is full of references on trying to be happy, from Bobby McFerrin’s "Don’t Worry, Be Happy" to Jackson Browne’s "I’m going to be a happy idiot." Do we feel too much pressure to be happy?
Certainly there are people who feel like they don’t want to be happy, who feel like happy people are wearing blinders. That’s why I write about the benefits of happiness. Happiness is not just a hedonistic thing. There’s this myth that happy people are sort of self-centered. Actually, it turns out that when you’re happier, all kinds of good things happen to you. Focusing on the benefits of happiness is one way to get around this question. Happiness can lead to all kinds of good things in life. You affect your family, your community; you’ll be more creative, you’ll be more sociable, you’ll be a better negotiator. Focus on that, as opposed to just feeling happy.
What about hedonic adaptation? That is, if unhappy people suddenly come into money, for example, they’re happier for a while—but then they settle in to how they were before. Is that also true for happy people who are seeing bad times?
Human beings are very sensitive to change. When things suddenly get worse, we notice it. People do adapt to negatives, but it takes longer. Let’s say you learn your retirement plan has now decreased by 35 percent. Obviously that’s going to be a shock, and you’re going to be very upset. Over time, you will get used to it. Over time, you’ll adapt to the fact that you have less money. But you adapt faster to positive things. Remember when things were growing, we quickly adapted to "Now I have another 5 percent." Now we’ve lost that growth. The negatives are harder than the positives. Bad is stronger than good. We adapt faster to positive things. We will adapt to the negative, but it takes time. Happiness is on the inside. It’s your attitude. It’s your perspective on the changes.
If you’re naturally pessimistic, is there any hope?
You need the motivation to change. If you’re naturally unhappy, you can try to make the best of a bad situation. Really take a big-picture perspective. You have your health, you have your family. You still have a lot of things to be grateful for. Whatever your mind is on, what you’re attending to at any moment, it basically determines your experience of that moment. What are you going to pay attention to this moment or day or year? If you spend most of your time paying attention to the bad things, that’s going to determine your experience of this year or this day. I remind people, think about what you’re paying attention to. That’s going to determine your experience.
What’s your advice to real estate professionals working with despondent sellers who can’t find a buyer or who won’t lower their price?
I can only speak in general terms about what research has to say about this situation. In short, people need to try to see the big picture, think positively, and appreciate what they have, not focus on what they don’t have or lost or want, such as a higher price for their home.
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Learn more about Lyubomirsky at www.thehowofhappiness.com
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You can contact the staff of REALTOR® magazine by e-mail at narpubs@realtors.org.